Spanky's Place :: 14 years and counting

Category History

Fourteen years ago today I awoke from a Jagermeister-induced coma to the sound of somebody banging on the front door of my apartment. As I slowly unclambered myself from around the Ralph, the porcelain god, and stumbled to answer the door; I wondered where the rat that had climbed into my mouth, defecated, and died had come from. And what the hell was that GREEN stuff in the toilet? I didn't recall drinking or eating anything green. I wasn't even sure if that particular shade of GREEN existed in nature.

I opened the door and was temporarily blinded by my buddy Terry, resplendent with his long head-banger locks and leather motorcycle jacket, smiling at me in the bright, searing morning sun. "You look like shit" he muttered as he stepped inside.

Trying to think of some profound and witty retort and failing miserably, I simply responded "I feel like shit" as I went in search of some aspirin in a vain attempt to dull the sound of my own pulse pounding in my head like some crazed Wadaiko drummer.

As I was dry-chewing some Excedrin and contemplating what wonderful stuff it was, quite possibly the greatest development of modern pharmaceutical science, Terry said to me "You need some air. Let's go to the park and play Frisbee."

WTF?! Was he mad? Didn't he realize that the sun was out there? Could he not grasp the terrible consequences of stepping outside? While the image of my own retinas being burned black and my eyeballs swelling and charring like a pair of marsh mellows in a microwave filled my head, I worked up another intellectually superior response: "umm, no."

As he then proceeded to force me, vomit encrusted clothes and all, into an ice cold shower; it occurred to me that Terry was not going to pay any attention whatsoever to my objections.

And so began my day. We spent several hours at the park, and Terry was right, it was exactly what I needed to transform from a hung-over, stumbling, mindless dreg into something resembling a human. After we had lunch (mmmmmm, pizza) we went and got our hair cut, and headed back to the apartment to get cleaned up and dressed, and then headed over to the hotel.

Tanya's cousin Clint played classical guitar ("The Trees" by Rush) while the guests filtered in and sat down. As I stood there at the front of the room with my best man (Terry again) and looked out upon the crowd of well-wishers, I was amazed at how many people there were. I didn't think that I even knew this many people; it seemed as though there were at least 300 folks crowded into the room. Clint stopped playing for a moment, and then started playing a different song in earnest. And as the planet ceased to move about the sun; Tanya entered the room.

Woof! She was absolutely radiant. Helen of Troy, Marie Antoinette, Audrey Hepburn, and Michelangelo's Venus were all dogs compared to Tanya. As she slowly walked down the aisle, my peripheral vision blurred and darkened until all I could see was my bride to be, glowing in the center of my universe.

I don't remember a whole lot after that. I recall there was a preacher who mumbled something about Love, Honor, Sickness & Health, and somewhere along the line we gave roses to our mothers, but every sense in my body was focused on Tanya. Finally, somehow the words "you may kiss your bride" managed to cut through the roar filling my ears, I kissed my beautiful wife, and we were wed.

The reception was fun. My buddy Grady handled DJ chores with ease (of course, he had a little fun by playing "Darth Vader's Theme" by John Williams when we entered the reception hall); Tanya and I danced to "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" by the Platters and "Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce. I even danced a polka with Tanya's mother. All in all, it was a wonderful, magical day. But it was nothing compared to the 14 years we have had together as man and wife.

To my wife, my lover, my best friend, my companion, my helper, my beautiful Tanya; I love you three...

-Devin.